Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Out with the Old: A Battle Report.

Disclaimer: The following battle report was put together from sloppily written notes and a few pictures. It was played, once… with partially painted armies, with lists that were hastily put together, using tactics which (at least on my side) were not really thought out very well. Its purpose was to play one last game with an old codex and….basically all the models I have. It was also played……. for fun. No tournament players were harmed in the making of this battle report…….and preciously few Tyranids. Now….. to build a narrative……..

The ruins of Petrastad spread out before the Ahnek Ghul, known to the snivling wretches of this world as…that “Crab headed bastard with the big scythe”. Crab headed. They didn’t know mandibles when they saw then. And what of his 7 eyes.  7 in honor of the great Lord of Despair. What crab has seven eyes?  Ignorant savages. He would show them.  Well…. At least he planned to, until the damned Tyranids showed up and started eating them all. 

He’d petitioned the Marshals of the Templars of Doom to cleanse the city of the Tyranid menace…so he could teach these wretches a lesson. A lesson worse than being converted to biomass….or bug poop, whichever you preferred to call it.  The Doombull himself took up Ghul’s cause, mostly because he said he needed some fresh air and thought the defilers needed to blow off some steam…somewhere other than onboard their spacehulk the Bulwark of Despair. He found the massive Daemon Prince in a ruined mercantile building, talking to his constant companion nurgling. 

“We have lured a group of the beasts to the plaza a few blocks over, with green apples glazed donuts and bacon, M’lord” Ghul clacked through his mandibles. A string of popping flatulence resonated within his terminator armor as he walked, a gift from their loving patron for cutting a loyalist marine sergeant in half ...or at least that was HIS story. It might have been for selling the most at the Chapter bake sale, he wasn't really sure.

The Doombull scanned the rafters. “MMMmmmm, donuts.” It grumbled deeply. A nurgling repeated his every word. “Classic monster bait.  I hope we get a bunch of the little ones, I like the way they go ‘crak-squish’.” It gave a scolding look to the nurgling. “That’s really annoying, Butt nugget.”
“That’s really annoying, Buttnugget” the little creature repeated.
“Stop it, right now’
“Stop it right now”
“I’m not screwin’ around”
“I’m not screwi……”

The Doombull snorted and glared, grabbing its axe nearly twice the height of the Terminator. It squealed and ran beneath the skirt of a disguarded mannequin.
“You are so lucky you’re cute, ya little bastard” The beast grumbled. Its demeanor changed suddenly as it stood to its full height.”They are coming….. something isn’t right. I only hope the bacon didn’t attract something bigger. “

“It wasn’t cooked crispy, M’Lord. But I brought Smilin’ Bob and Ahnold, just in case. And we have the Khorne Dogs standing by.’ Ghul added. The great beast still looked troubled, but mention of the massive Defiler beasts brought a smile to the corner of his mouth.

“Come along, Butt nugget. Enough of your silliness, you have challenges to make for me.” The little creature popped out with a brazier stuck to his horn, smiling with glee. Oh, how he loved issuing challenges for his lord. He scurried up the beast’s back and took a seat on his rusty armored shoulder plate. The daemon prince scanned the broken building as it followed Ghul toward the market plaza, there was a hint of worry in its diseased eye. Just a hint.
Somewhere, among the remnants of the house wares department under a lazy susan, chitin clicked and chameleon scales shimmered, the Death leaper had found its target….. and bacon.

On a gloomy, overcast day- fitting for the demise of the old Chaos codex- we descended upon my local game store for a 2000 point throw down to say good bye to the old book.  The remnants of the fittingly named Pooping Gargoyle Mercantile Plaza, in what was once the lovely west side of Petrastad, would be the site of the Templars of Doom’s final ass-whoopi….er,uhm…  defensive action, before their ‘strategic withdrawal to let the buggies eat in peace” Here’s the basic set up…..

Facing my painting protégé’, the aptly named Broodnest,  I broke out the whole of the Templars of DOOooom, even utilizing my ‘objective’ marker, the plague bunny, as a Chaos Spawn.  Was it a good list? Probably not the best I could have built with what I had, but here it is in the basics.

Doombull-Daemon Prince of Nurgle-Warptime
Ahnek Ghul Crabface (Typhus)
8 Terminators of Khorne (the Dogs of Khorne- i.e. the Khorne Dogs)
10 plague marines in a rhino, w/ 2 meltaguns, Asp. Champ with powerfist
2x10 marines, Icon of Nurgle,plasmagun and missile launcher,Asp. Champ w/Powerfist
2 Defilers- Smilin’Bob (twin autocannon,havoc launcher,battlecannon) AHHHnold (2x CC, battlecannon)
Stompy- dreadnaught w/ multi-melta
Plague Bunny-chaos Spawn (i.e 40 points I should have used elsewhere, but I thought it’d be good for a laugh)

The exact Tyranid Hoard went something like this;
2 hive tyrants- one with wings, one with two tyrant guard afoot
3 (yeah-3) Trygons- Fluffy,Cuddles and Diego, Bertha the Tervigon. A Broodlord with about a dozen genestealers.  3 Zoanthropes,3 Hive Guard, a brood of @20 hormagaunts and a dozen termagaunts. And that sneaky little bastard…. The Deathleaper.

We rolled up our scenario and warlord traits totally random, since we just wanted to kill something and ended up with “Purge the Alien” and the “Vanguard Strike” set up. We both ended up randomly coming up with “legendary Fighter” as a warlord trait….which would NOT help my victory point score in the end by much.  I won the roll off (which is always a bad thing) and figured I’d let the bugs go first. With the green apples, glazed donuts and freshly cooked bacon placed by the fountain at the plaza’s center…. Deployment looked something like this. I was informed that the Deathleaper was out to get the Doombull, so his leadership was hampered. The intent to bugger up his use of Warptime….and it worked well. Sneaky little sh*t….


With the Broodlord and his genestealers being the first to get the choice few crispy pieces of bacon after ‘infiltrating’ to the fountain, they decided they were feeling spunky and wanted to come play with the Defilers.  This was my first taste of the new psychic powers and the boy had rolled up some good ones. Biomancy (Endurance, hemmorage,Life Leech, mostly…with warp speed for the broodlord)for most of his critters, save the pesky flying Tyrant who had Telepathy(Puppet Master, terrify). Bertha cast Endurance on the flying critter to make him even more irritating, but most of the other attempts failed to do anything. The Hive Guard on the far right blew one of my marines away, but otherwise I suffered  little….at least until I returned fire.

It was then that I realized, buying missiles and bolter rounds from Ork freebooters is not always a great idea. If it sounds too good, it probably is. Neither missile launcher could hit anything. They set the tone for the game. The schmucks with bolters were actually great at hitting, though apparently a lot of the rounds were duds, because wounding would be an issue from the start.  Fluffy the Trygon and the 3 zoanthropes would feel the intended wrath of the two squads of marines for a few turns to come. And it would be the boltgun that did the bulk of it.  And the plasma gunner on the right of my line…… because the one on the left blew himself up on his first shot (and failed his save) Stompy rolled a ‘sane’ result, then proceeded to roll a “1”. 


Deathleaper opened up the turn, popping up behind Ahnek Ghul as the store’s XM station played “Don’t Bring Me Down” by ELO. The Flying critter swung in behind Smilin’ Bob (Who I REEEEEAAAALLLLY should have deployed IN the building…duh…walker……) and shot his ass out, literally with his devourers and 6 penetrating hits. Being penetrated in the rear was too much for Smilin Bob, who flipped over and was wrecked….wait, that didn’t sound right. His carcass would however be useful later.  The Plaguebunny blindly charged the genestealers and was cut to ribbons. Then Ahnold joined in to squish one who jumped in front of his broodlord….or was pushed. I really think he was  pushed.

Deathleaper, did not fare so well against Ahnek Ghul, my Typhus stand-in.  The glory of poisoned weapons has been revealed to me. The great scythe killed the pesky critter long before he could get any bacon. And uncharacteristically free of incident, the Khorne Dogs (notorious in the past for various deep strike incidents) were guided in by icon and landed to reinforce the Doombull and marine squad. Stompy died horribly as a flesh and metal speed bump for Fluffy the Trygon. Not an impressive performance for the Stompmeister. He died a dreadnaught, but will be reborn a Hellbrute.


The little bugs in the far back have found the green apples and seemed to be having a well deserved picnic, though I think they were chasing rats in the ruins too….or they found a keg. They actually found themselves out of synapse and just hung out for the rest of the game. The rest of the feces, however was approaching the fan at a high rate of speed.

Buffed up with Endurance from Bertha again (I think those two got something going on…. Either that or the flyrant likes heavy set girls) the Flyrant attempted to ‘Terrify” the Doombull.  Coupled with the threat of Deathleaper (who was still scaring the Doombull after being diced up for sushi by Ghul), this terrify thing is just plain sneaky….and nasty when aimed at the big fearless Daemon prince. However… I DENIED the Witch!!! YEAHHHHH, BABY!!

Combat was joined by the Flyrant, the Broodlord and his 4 remaining genestealers. They snarled, teeth gleaming, chitin flashing….until a diminutive little green butterball leapt up in front of them waving a crooked finger at the Broodlord “I….challenge YOOOUUuuuuuuuuuuuuu.” He cried. Even with all his agility and general coolness, the broodlord couldn’t make the wounds stick and I managed to make all of my saves but one (3 wounds remaining) Though another of his genestealers “just happened” to get in the way, the broodlord went squish. Legendary Fighter! Extra point. The celebration was short-lived.

On the other end of the building, Fluffy the Trygon had weathered a hail of fire and taken a couple wounds, but  that just pissed her off. The Khorne Dogs, a unit tooled to deliver a STUUUUUPID amount of attacks, went in their typical frothing, purple faced rage (well….they had their helmets on….but you get the idea) My opponent winced when he saw the sheer number of dice I laid out to roll. 12 Lightning claw attacks (with rerolls) 6 power weapon attacks. Nothing. Yup….not a friggin wound. Luckily for me the one dude with a powerfist managed to get 2 on the critter. Fluffy retaliated with 6 wounds from its Poisoned scythes (Toxin sacs…. F**K!)…. And I managed to roll 4…… FOUR ‘1’s. THEN…. I managed to roll a 12 for their moral check. The big, bad ass, skull taking, terminator armor wearing, "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!!" screamin' Khorne Dogs ran like little bitches…. And Fluffy ran them down. If nothing else…. That friggin thing was going to die. ( *Author's note* A discerning eye may notice that Mr. Cuddles is standing in for Fluffy in the photos above. This is because Fluffy was being self concious about the large bulge in her belly from eating 4 terminators.)

Somewhere…. in the confusion, the Plague marines exit their Rhino and take cover in the shattered remains of Smilin’ Bob, as Bertha and the other Tyrant approach.

Fluffy gets shot up buy the marines and is finally….FINALLY KILLED…. And by what? The ONLY missile launcher wound of the game.  The Zoanthropes weather fire from the other squad with only a single wound.  Buttnugget throws his little diseased gauntlet at the Flyrant, ruining his glazed donut, and the challenge is joined. Somehow, ending in a stalemate.

The Hive Guard starts things off with some excellent shooting, into the Marines in the building on the right wing. The two remaining trygons join in as well. The math is not looking good for my squad. However…. I can’t seem to NOT make their saves. They survive an amazing number of hits with no casualties.  The rhino carrying the plague Marines is not so lucky. The Zoanthropes skewer it with fire. It explodes and one of its former passengers feels the pain. The remnants of the Squad fire at Bertha and score a couple wounds. Of course, she has 6.  Both marine squads fire at the zoanthropes. Thanks to rapid fire from the squad still in the building on the right, they are whittled down. But even after 18 boltguns, 2 missile launchers (which missed…… again) and a plasma gun, there are still 2 left, each with a single wound.

The Doombull tries Warptime and , as he seems to do once in every game, took a wound from Perils of the Warp (Tzeentch’s fault…. No doubt) He loses a wound in the combat, but so does the Tyrant. They are still locked in combat. Just where I wanted that pesky flyin’ critter.
The victory point tally stands way against me  at 4 to 9.  


The foot Tyrant, his guards and the Tervigon  are still locked in combat with my 5 remaining plague marines. The marines in the buildings weather fire from the Zoanthropes, hive guard and two remaining Trygons only losing 1 of their number on the right. The trygons charge the building, but both fail to get enough distance out of the charge to get to the guys in the building.

The Doombull finally succumbs to the Flyrant, losing his last wound and being whisked away by his loving patron.  The marines in the buildings finally finish off the Zoanthropes. With boltgun fire. The plague marines are hacked down to 3, but their Champion kills Bertha with his powerfist. As the game ends, they still hold the Tyrant and his guard in close combat among the wrecked claws of Smilin’ Bob.
It’s a loss (10-5)- which never really bothers me- but at game’s end, I still had 3 plague marines, 15 nurgle marines and a half wounded Typhus left.  A very entertaining game. Sure I made some tactical mistakes and the dice were… entertaining, for both of us, but it was an epic send off to the old book.

Throw in the rest of the bacon!!! NOW!!!” Ghul yelled. The hive tyrant cued in on the flying iron skillet as it sped toward the gargoyle fountain in the square, spilling hot grease on his tyrant guard, who looked on empty eyed and impassionate, besides…… they had donuts. Ghul snapped his mandibles as he swallowed the last bloody piece he had hacked from the Deathleaper. It reminded him of mackerel with ginger. Oily, but with a sweet tang. “Let's get off of this sh*thole, before we have to feed these monsters the Boston crèmes!”

Great GRANDfather!! NOT the BOSTON CREMES!” Champion Scabborous yelled as he leapt from the second story ruin. The 7 remaining marines flung donuts and empty boxes to distract the Tyrant guard- not a hard thing to do- as they noticed the bloodied, ragged winged monster flap around the neighboring building toward the smell of fresh bacon.  Squad Pustus took the opportunity to vacate that building, scrambling over the remains of blood red terminator parts strewn among the ruins. Roland the plasmagunner scooped up what appeared to be a flailing brown-green sack that climbed up on his backpack still pointing and cursing at the flying beast.  Festus, tripped twice as he worked through the ruin, slapping and fiddling with his missile launcher the whole time.  Ghul would be speaking to that ork…what was his name? Blowback? Bristleback? Gristlefat? No-no that was one of the sorcerers. 

Well, he’d find him. And he was planning on shoving one of those dud missiles right up his……


  1. Thanks, man! It was a really fun game. There was alot of in game banter and some stuff I surely missed in the report. It took 4 hours, thanks to the notes,casual conversation and photos, but it was a great time. I pulled a few bonehead moves, especially on deployment, but its always fun to get a game in. they are few and far between of late, and likely won't get much more frequent until after the New Year. However, I have the shakes I'm so wound up about the new Chaos Codex (my other armies, especially my long suffering Orks are likely to get impatient and jealous) and I hope to issue in 2013 with a Templars of DOOoom webcomic. Assuming the world doesn't end in December, that is.