Monday, October 22, 2012

Templars of DOOooom!: BATTLE REPORT.

DISCLAIMER: The following battle report was, once again, played with partially painted armies. If fact, there were even models with no paint at all….or heads, for that matter. The army lists were not meant to be competitive and the tactics were far from perfect (as was the dice rolling…. But I blame Tzeentch for that)


Gods… He was tired of this ruined city. Pops and pings of flatulence echoed inside his rotten Terminator armor, like some offbeat melody played by a small, simple minded child with a stick and an old trash can lid. A plump nurgling waddled by adding a few wet, sloppy notes to the impromptu symphony.  He knew he shouldn’t have eaten that damned Deathleaper.

“The last of the Boston Creams are secure aboard the transport, m’lord” Scabborous reported as he chewed.

“I hope you left a few for the Doombull….” Ahnek Ghul clacked his mandibles, looking at the vanilla custard dribbling from the left side of Scabborous’ mouth. Or was that just pus? Frankly, the guy’s face was a decrepit mess, so it was hard to tell. “… you know how he feels after being snatched from the field by the Overfiend.” The great Daemon Prince never died. Oh, he came close. A lot. But his daemonic patron, Bfrapdurpahurr the Overfiend, who resided deep in the bowels of the Bulwark of Despair, would never let his favorite disciple be harmed. Whenever death loomed, he would snatch the great beast away to fight another day.  It had given the Doombull quite a complex on top of his already fragile self esteem.

“Never fear, Lord Ghul!” shouted a loud, yet lispy voice. “Da old godsh have guided ush here to asshisht you” It was the ever bombastic Apostle Flehgmgrem with a hoard of shambling cultists behind him. Grandfather Nurgle seemed to like those with speech impediments.  It wasn’t the mass of sad looking humanity that brought the hint of a smile to his toothy fang filled maw, but the hulking forms of two daemon engines behind them, especially the glowing yellow diseased eye of Blinky, the rotary cannon toting Forgefiend.

“Save it for your slaves, priest.” Ghul pointed his great scythe towards to the ruins to the east. “We go to Pooping Gargoyle Plaza.” He bellowed to the two squads of marines and the assembled throng of cultists. “I want my frying pan back.”

You know those beautiful sunny Florida days they advertise all the time, well…. it was one of those. What better reason than to hide inside the cavernous gaming area of my favorite local gaming/hobby/comic establishment from the insidious, bright light that plagues us Floridians so very often. It was time for a rematch with Broodnest and his hive fleet.  Ghul wanted his favorite frying pan back and I had a new Chaos codex. So it was time to see if a new book would make any difference or if the Templars would just continue to suck.

Convinced my continuing string of questionable luck had something to do with my ancient codex and a running curse from my old college roommate and Tzeentch-fanboy, THE Sean, I had nearly pulled a college like all nighter, to get my models together for the fight. The big difference between those all nighter and this one being the marked lack of Mountain Dew, no 10-pack of soft tacos and not being 22 anymore. Tired and under the influence of a “5 hour energy” booster and a couple candy bars, I set about my attempt to retake the Pooping Gargoyle Mercantile Plaza. 

We set up the table to be just up the road from the last battle.  It focused more on the ruined park at the end of the Plaza, with half the table being ruined building and the other half representing  trees, the parks restrooms and the strip mall containing eateries. Once again, we sort of ignored the book missions. We took 12” deployment zones on each side of the table and put a single objective in the center- an underground power conduit entrance that contained the mangled, chewed up remains of Ghul’s prized campaign frying pan.

The armies were 2000 points. 

 The Templars of DOOooom were led to the field by Ahnek Ghul (Typhus), the Dark Apostle Flehgmgrem(Apostle w/Mark o’ Nurgle, Aura of Dark Glory, Gift of Mutation…AND…. The Black Mace- just because I wanted to try it out). 

2 Chaos Marine units of 10 marines (Mark of Nurgle, Missile launcher, Plasma gun, Champion with powerfist- the units from the last game)
21 cultists w/ Mark o’ Nurgle, autoguns, heavy stubber
35 cultists who would be plague zombies- who actually had no heads or arms…
Hellbrute w/ reaper autocannon (which looked suspiciously like a multi-melta)
“Not-so-smilin’ Bob”Defiler w/ Powerscourge, dirge caster and warpfire gargoyles
“Blinky” Forgefiend w 2 Hades Autocannons and 1 big missing eye
3 bikers w/ Mark of Nurgle, Champ w/ Lightning Claw and 2 plasma guns- these guys looked suspiciously like Dark Angels…. But I can’t prove it
And …2 Obliterators w, mark O’Nurgle. All marines and Oblits had veterans of the Long war.

The Bugs were led by that pesky flying Hive Tyrant and his Tyrant buddy afoot (accompanied by 3 donut hungry Tyrant Guards) Bertha the tervigon,  2 Trygons and a Mawloc,  20 Hormagaunts with toxin sacs, 10 Gaunts,3 Hive guard, 3 Zoanthropes and 7 Ygmarl genestealers- because tentacles on the face are very stylish on the west side of Petrastad these days.

I rolled up Gift of Contagion for a second psychic power and Eternal Warrior for the Dark Apostles gift of mutation. Broodnest rolled up his plethora of psychic powers and we were ready to begin. I started off by losing the dice roll. So I set up first.

 “What is wrong with that large mob of cultists?!? Why are they just walking out into the park?” Ghul demanded over the coms.

“Oh, shorry about dat.” Fleghmgrem sputtered” Does helmetsh dey got were shupposed to help reprogram dem. Somehow, de shignalsh got mikshed up and dey were ekshposed to 48 hours of The Learning Channel. One can only take sho much “Here comesh Honey Boo Boo” before the mind jusht gives out.”

TURN 1: Walkin’ in the Park.

The victims of the Honey Boo Boo plague wandered out into the park… toward the restrooms, straight toward the walking Hive Tyrant. Meanwhile, the rest of the army decided Bertha- who had rolled up a nasty combination of Warp Speed, Iron Arm and Endurance for psychic powers- needed to go before she got all juiced up and started popping out babies. The resultant fire from 2 missile launchers, the hellbrute, the defiler’s battle cannon and the Forgefiend ended up causing 5 wounds she failed to save from. My opponent’s hatred of the Forgefiend began to fester. It would be an ooooooozing sore by game’s end. 

Oh…. How he hates Blinky.

With an overall advance and some return fire, 1 hull point was caused against “Not so Smilin’ “ Bob the Defiler

TURN 2: Raid: It kills bugs dead.

I never understood that phrase “Kills ---- dead”  Well, duh. It’s not like you are going to kill something ‘slightly wounded”…. ANYWAYS….. the next turn opened up with a firestorm. Diego the Trygon had positioned himself near the objective, apparently attracted by the lingering aroma of centuries of bacon grease. Nothing quite like a good old cast iron skillet. Blinky and Bob took great exception to this and opened up on the monster, killing him outright. Did I mention my opponents growing disdain for the Forgefiend?  Stompy with his new autocannon (which looks an awful lot like his multi-melta) finished off Bertha, before she could cause any trouble. For what it’s worth, the boys still couldn’t hit with their missile launchers for pretty much the whole game, though the one good shot made by the boys with Ahnek Ghul, did contribute to Diego’s death. The 21 cultists on the far right unloaded their rapid fired autoguns and heavy stubber into the Flying Tyrant, managing enough ‘6’s to get him to take a crash test, though he passed.

MEANWHILE….. in the park. The zombies executed a shambling charge into the Hive tyrant and his guard.  This was before the FAQ release, so the 35 plague zombie idea was still in question with the in-store TO, but he thought it was great for a friendly game.  They made contact and unleashed 36 attacks on the Tyrant Guard, killing 1, then the bloody, rotting body parts started to fly. The only glory the zombies would achieve (besides being a speed bump/distraction) was over. 7 died immediately and some weird dice rolls(me rolling 5-6, him rolling 1’s) saved at least that many.

The Flying tyrant had enough of autogun bullets and the Forgefiend, so he swooped in for the attack. Traumatized Bob looked on as the flyrant unleashed the same blistering devourer attack that had savaged Bob’s backside in the last game.  Blinky shrugged it off, taking only 1 hull point between that and the ensuing close combat. Weird dice again, must be Tzeentch’s work….I never roll that good.  Blinky put a wound on the Flyrant.  Bob had problems of his own when the Mawloc popped up out of the ground between him and the bikers. In the park…the hormagaunts charged into the zombies, killing 11 more, the Tyrant and guard took a few as well, though the zombies did manage to kill 3 hormagaunts.

TURN 3: MACE to the FACE!

There was some jockeying for better spots and ineffective firing to open my turn. Try as they might, my marines still couldn’t hit anything and actually cause a wound, although I was proud that both the plasma gunners had managed not to kill themselves yet. The Obliterators arrive, dropping in near the objective and open fire on the hive guard with twin linked plasma guns, only scoring 1 wound. Stompy fires on them as well, but to no avail. Fleghmgrem and his cultists moved through the building (another 6?!?) and then charged into the fray with the Flyrant and Forgefiend. The Apostles challenge met, he managed to survive (taking one wound) and then BLAM!!.... BLACK MACE TO THE FACE!... the Apostle delivered 7 attacks and the Black Mace paid for its 45 point cost by killing the Flyrant.  A roll on the Boon table gave Fleghmgrem a +1 to his Weapon Skill. Flush with victory, he and his brood pointed themselves toward the objective.

The bikers charged out toward the objective and fired on the Hive Guard, causing 1 wound, one of them suffering a misfire. The skulking termagaunts fired and killed one of them. Bob used his power scourge on the Mawloc, the flail knocking down the critter’s WS by 2, but he still got the worse end of the close combat by being penetrated, yet again and getting wrecked. Meanwhile, Blinky’s “It Will Not Die” recovered a hull point for him… just in time too.

The Hive Guard hit one of Blinky’s Hades cannons. The Zoanthropes opened up on the marines in the Food court, but they managed to save. The mawloc went after the two remaining bikers and killed them handily. The last of the zombies (and I mean the last…. One had survived the previous round of close combat) died and the remaining Tyrant his 2 guards and the hormagaunts moved in the direction of the objective.


Somehow, I manage to pull off ‘The Gift of Contagion” on the remaining Trygon and Fluffy is not feeling so good, ending up with a -1 to Strength and Toughness.  The Obliterators use their heavy flamers on the Hive guard. The mawloc is hit by fire from the marines and cultists on the right, Stompy, Blinky and dies.

 The 2 hive guard and zoanthropes fire on Blinky, chipping away at his hull points, but he still has one left. The real nastiness happens on the left, where the Ygmarl genestealers pop up and attack the marines in the food court….and so does Fluffy. The Squad is just destroyed, torn to pieces. The hormagaunts don’t fair to well, their charge puts them into contact with the Obliterators but the heavy flamers on overwatch kill the closest 5, leaving them basically standing in the open.

 At this point, there is no way the objective would remain uncontested, but there was still and all-or- nothing push by anyone in the area.

*We have to work on our product placement, the Coca Cola people would not be happy*


The Obliterators hose the hormagaunts with assault cannon fire, leaving only 3 alive. Stompy finishes off the wounded Hive Guard. Fleghmgrem and his boys move toward the objective, but even with a run….which was really more like a stumble… they fall about 4” short. Blinky fires on the Tyrant and his guard (since they are the next closest to the objective) but  causes only 1 wound. Ahnek Ghul charges through the food court, vaults the taco topping bar and charges into combat with Fluffy. However, compared to his previous incarnation, his weapon is no longer poisoned… and an attempt to use its FORCE weapon status is dampened by the Hive tyrant’s Shadow of the Warp. So Fluffy lives, though with only 2 wounds remaining. Ghul takes 2 himself. Blinky can’t get back a hull point from “It Will Not Die”….which would have been comical, seeing my opponent’s seething hatred for him by this point in the game.

The last Hive Guard is able to take down Blinky’s last hull point. The Ygmarl piled in on Ghul, who…. Since the game is ending anyways…. Plants his scythe in the ground and screams “PULL MY FINGER” and lets lose the Destroyer Hive, which fails to hurt Fluffy, but kills several genestealers before they tear him apart. The termagaunts charge the Obliterators at the objective, to little avail… but tie them up in melee. 

No one holds the objective all units near it are in close combat. A Draw. 

Fleghmgrem knelt near the edge of the dais aboard the Bulwark of Despair, listening to the smacking of lips and general slobbering of gluttony. The great beast looked up from the great stone table, its platter of shattered donuts and vanilla cream filling, chocolate handing from the ring it its dirty bovine nose.

“What?!? Can’t you see I’m busy?” the Doombull grumbled in a sad, mouth filled whine.

The Apostle dropped an item to the rusty iron deck plating, it clanged like the ringing of a muffled bell. It was a cast iron skillet the size of a normal human’s ribcage, gnawed and deformed by monstrous jaws. The daemonic bull quickly popped another donut in his mouth. He had to do it quickly, his mere touch began their decay, they would mold and shrivel in his hands. 

“And Ghul?”

“He ish in de Infirminary, m’lord.”

“And the rest?”

“The fleet continues the bombardment.”

“Good. Want a donut?” He held up the Boston crème between his fingers and watched it turn brown, then black, then shrivel to ash. His ears drooped and he frowned, tossing the nugget of decay aside , into the waiting mouths of his nurglings.

“Don’t mind if I do” said Fleghmgrem as he rose and crossed the dais to the great stone table.

 We totaled up the kill points… just for laughs…. And Broodnest had edged me out by one, for the genestealers being in my deployment zone, but we both agreed had killpoints been an objective, we would have likely played a bit different. It was a fun and hard fought game, with some really sad, yet comical dice fails on both sides. I made a few mistakes, the biggest of which was forgetting about the Warpfire Gargoyles on a couple of my weapons. The way I was rolling, they might have caused a wound or two.

 Overall, I love,love,love my new codex and can’t wait to explore more of the unit options.  The 35 plague zombies, which all the interwebs tournament gaming community is aflame over, worked as a “tarpit”…though more like a “tar puddle” I had an agenda…. Which was to tie up the foot Tyrant, which I did for 2 turns and kept him from reaching the objective area. He really did little else in the game, so in that way they were a good 150 point investment. They didn’t kill a lot (though the initial charge was kind of impressive, especially since it was only half the unit) but they did their job.  They do die easily, but they can’t be broken, so you have to kill them. The one flaw I see (which I’m surprised wasn’t also FAQ’ed)… is that they should have been “Fearless, Feel No Pain, Slow and Purposeful…and  ‘may not hold objectives”…. That would solve any griping. I mean, they are zombies…. But I guess the idea is, you have control of them.  Maybe the other way to do it would have been “may only hold objectives if typhus is alive”… that would have made sense too.  BUT…. Since I have to fight things like the Grey knights and such, I’ll take what I can get. NOW…. To get my hands on a flyer..or two.

Cheers Y'all!

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